Please, please, please, please, please tell me that this is a joke.
Actually, this could be a very clever marketing ploy for Michael Crichton’s book, if you notice the check-box at the bottom.
I’m not about to fill it in and get on any mailing list though.
But hey— cute puppy, huh? HUH? (Lola’s same breed)
To: Manuel Rodriguez
Pozo del camino
CP 21410 Isla Cristina (Huelva)
Dear Manuel Rodriguez (whereever and whoever you are),
I…..I don’t know what to say.
Thank you. I mean really man, THANK YOU. I don’t even know you, but it was such a kind gesture so…..Thanks.
I was having SUCH a bad day, you don’t even know! And then I come home to find your little white envelope on my doorstep, and things just somehow…..turned brighter.
To return the gesture, I’m going to give you some advice. Next time you are a tourist in Amsterdam, and want to mail narcotics (which are 100% legal here and 100% ILLEGAL in your home country of SPAIN) back to your home country, here are a few tips to keep in mind:
1) When posting narcotics across international borders, please remember to ALWAYS, ALWAYS write the FULL address of your destination, including HOUSE NUMBER. Such a small, insignificant detail might lead to your small, insignificant package being posted back to its origin, which brings me to my next tip….
2) When posting narcotics across international borders, try starting with an originating address that you are actually AT, instead of….well, instead of MY address, because if its sent back because, because….well, say….you FORGOT THE FUCKING HOUSE NUMBER ON THE STREET IN SPAIN (see tip #1), then the package will be lovingly delivered back into MY hands. Did I already thank you for that? If not, then THANKS.
3) When posting narcotics across international borders, please do not post them in an envelope with HOLES. I don’t care if you lovingly wrapped the bags of grass, mushrooms and hash in wet wipes with lemon fresh scent. Honey, it didn’t work. HELLO! I may have overlooked the incident and given the envelope back to the postman if it weren’t for the overwhelming scent of First Class HERB floating out of those teeny tiny holes in the envelope. Its mine now SUCKER.
4) Learn how to spell AMSTERDAM, dipshit. Only one ‘E’- ONE!
(And a side note to BOTH the Dutch and Spanish Postal Services- DID YOU NOT NOTICE THIS? How beligerently stupid are you???)
And so, as I review my new inventory (please click on picture for a clearer view of your losses/my gains):
3 bags of grade A herb
2 bags of “magic” mushrooms
2 bags of hash
….I have you to thank, Manuel, for your sheer stupidity and overwhelming ignorance. Thank you for putting my address in the sender’s area. You may have thought you were pulling a fast one, and that if the “feds” were to trace your package it would be ME that they were after, but in actuality you did me a HUGE service. No feds, and just a SHITLOAD of drugs.
So ‘gracias’, Senor Rodriguez. I completely take back everything I said about Spanish people being ‘stupid’, ‘loud’, ‘obnoxious’, and just a general pain in the ass. I see now that they are actually completely giving and kind, albeit not so bright.
And fuck, I LOVE AMSTERDAM.
But you already knew that didn’t you???
The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to.
~F. Scott Fitzgerald
I have been having trouble getting to sleep lately.
This is ME we are talking about here. The girl who slept on the street in New York City when I was tired one day (Hi Mom! You didn’t just read that.). I’ve slept the entire length of 7 hour plane rides, from before the plane even took off to just as it was landing (no snack for me!). I’ve slept in the most uncomfortably squashed train carriages with my legs practically raised parallel to my body, and even spent the night in a train toilet while hiding from a pervert. Park benches, parking lots, library desks, every science class I’ve ever had throughout school (and university), and twice even during a busy bar job in the kitchen and the office.
If it’s one thing I know, its SLEEP.
But not lately. Its evading me, and its pissing me off. I’ve tried warm cups of tea and then, realising that tea has caffeine, warm cups of hot chocolate. I’ve tried joints, and reading, and eating a lot just before bed time to make me sleepy, and nothing works! I lay there turning left and turning right and flipping on my belly and then onto my side. And then I go to the computer and try to wear myself out with the boredom of that, and still I cannot sleep.
Can anyone help me? Any suggestions at all?
Around about this time last year, Dave and I slid into a big black hole of financial worry and concern. We were living outside of our expenses, getting hit with bills out of nowhere with no explanation about WHY we should be paying hundreds of euros more, and everything felt dire and bleak, just like the Dutch winter skies over our heads. To compound the matter, Christmas was just around the corner, and there’s no time to be in debt like around the holidays to make you feel really sorry for yourself.
So, we took steps to correct our situation in the best way we knew how- we moved to a more affordable apartment, I stopped going to school and started focusing on work more, and we had a few months of buckle-down in order to get shakily back on our feet.
Wouldn’t you know its happening again?
We’ve narrowed down our expenses to the bare minimum and its still barely enough to get by, and don’t even THINK about trying to save for your future. Totally not an option.
So, we decided that its this country thats the problem.
HELLO THE NETHERLANDS!!! ***waving middle finger*** Heres to you and your shit wages and your high cost of living and your gas and electricity and council tax bills from out of nowhere and did I mention your shit wages? And here’s to your bicycles everywhere (although I like that), and your dog-friendly restaurants (I like that too) and your beautiful canals and museums and …..OK I totally dig all of these things.
It’s not that I don’t like it here- I love it, but while this city is absolutely great for hanging out, and its nice to be able to walk into a store and buy a bag of weed without worry, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the good of that stuff if you can’t afford to enjoy it? It’s just not an easy place to get by or make a living.
So, we’re looking for change. After all, there’s no way we can save in our current situation, and then how are we supposed to provide for the wee little 2 month old person growing inside my belly right now? Things must change.
So, any suggestions are more than welcome.
By the way, I was totally kidding about the baby.
But we are thinking about a puppy!