It’s 4:30 am.
I just woke from a dream where I gave Lola, my dog, to a friend to bring her to her new owners. The friend left, and Lola walked out behind her, not looking back.
After a few minutes, the panic started to rise in my throat. I turned to Dave. “But….can I….will they ever let me come and see her? As often as I want?” I asked.
He tried to explain that it might be hard to see her again, and the sad look on his face brought the panic in my throat rushing upwards. I started to choke and sob as the realization sunk in. What had I just done? Had I given her away for good?
And that’s how I woke up, choking on tears.
I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep again tonight.
Since losing Lola in early June, I’ve been having a pretty hard time. It’s not easy spending months on the verge of tears, waking at night from nightmares or not being able to sleep at all from thinking of her (and her death). Even now, going on 5 a.m. and 5 months after the fact, I am sitting here trying to see my typing through the tears. I’ve tried several times to blog about her, I’ve tried to give her the eloquent eulogy that she deserves, but in this one crucial time, the proper words have failed me.
How can I possibly summarize in one blog post what she meant to me? The words end up clunky on the screen, inadequate and dull for a dog who was so full of love and sweetness and who made me smile every day for the seven years that we shared this life. (Every day.)
We started a list of all of the small and funny ways that she made us laugh and what we will miss about her. The list goes on and on.
There is so much that I miss.
There is a lot of advice out there about getting a dog, raising a dog, living with a dog, training a dog. But what they never tell you about bringing a dog into your life, is that one day you will have to say goodbye. How are you meant to deal with that?
I am working through a lot of sadness, emptiness, and guilt. Her death, too soon and too sudden, was harsh and unfair for a dog who was so mild-natured and delicate. I didn’t have a proper chance to say goodbye, it was over before I realized that it had even started. How am I meant to deal with that?
I wish that I had the energy to write more about her and what she meant to me, but for now I have to make do with the fact that she was no stranger to this blog. I hope she knew how much I loved her, and that I continue to take her with me everywhere I go.
That was very beautiful and fitting for a friend you obviously loved very much.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, very sweet of you to write.
This was so beautifully written and I believe this is a fitting tribute to such an amazing girl. She was very lucky to have such a loving owner and companion. Thank you for sharing her with all of us.
Thanks! I know you have some pets in your life that you love, so give them a huge hug for me please!!!
hi. I lost my dog last September after 9 years, it was an unfair and sudden death, and I didn’t have a proper chance to say goodbye. It was horrible. I cried every day for months and months. Now (1 year and 1 month later) I can honestly say I don’t tear up every time I see his picture but there aren’t hours that pass without thinking about him. I loved him so much, Hugs, you will get through this
Thanks for your encouragement. I’m sorry you lost your dog, too. I can honestly say it’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to live through, suffer through. I miss her so much, and as much as I want to think about her all the time, it always ends up making me cry! I’ll get to where you are one day…
She was awesome!
Wasn’t she!
For me it was true love at first sight when I saw her back in 2004, wasn’t aware that she died
(( My parents still have a photo hanging on the wall, in which they are together with Lola and always reminisce about bxl whenever they catch a glimpse of it. The photo was taken back then when we were dog-sitting her and I’m sure they will be as heartbroken when they find out she passed away :*-(
Aaawww, Bes, thanks so much for writing. It’s so nice to know that other people have happy memories of her too.
I had to hold back tears while reading this- I know how hard losing a pet can be- the best advice I ever got was to concentrate on the happy times and try to block out that horrific day. Trust me when I say that the nightmares will stop and soon you will be at peace. Lola loved you very much and wants you to be happy. She is after all in puppy heaven now watching over you. She will always be a part of you and will not be forgotten.
I know you of all people understand, Tina. How horrible that we have both been through this recently. I am trying to take your advice, and keeping the Rainbow Bridge in mind. Love you!
i am literally in tears. i’m positive she knew how much she was loved. my heart goes out to you. <3
Amanda, this was probably the most heart wrenching story I have read in in a long while. Although I didn’t get to meet her, I could tell she was super sweet and hilarious and a joy to have around! I always loved to see the pictures and read your stories about her, and Milo too. I know the pain will always be there but it will not always be so forward. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks girls. She was my little sweetheart. I don’t mind taking as much time as it takes. I want to keep her in my heart and in my thoughts as long as possible. It’s all I have left of her.
So sad. Hugs to you from a fellow dog lover. My boy is almost 10 and is going gray. I know he has more life behind him than in front of hm and this makes me sad. I’ve lost people I love and taken it badly but when the day comes to say goodbye to my dog I fear the loss will be much deeper…and perhaps those without a dog in their lives may not understand. Dogs have a way of getting under your skin..even the troublesome ones like mine!
Take your time but hope you feel better soon xx
Ugh – I am so sorry. We lost OUR dog Lola on Friday, and are having a very hard time with it. I can’t stop looking at pictures and videos, etc. I guess I’m just not ready to let go of her.
We do have another dog, which helps some – at least he seems to be recovering ok. Best wishes and I hope you start to feel better soon!
Thanks for writing Alice. I will have to link to your post in my next blog, because you put down so beautifully exactly how I felt about my Lola too. Our other dog seemed to recover well as well, but he also absorbed our feelings for a long time after that. He could tell that we were sad and the house was in mourning, although I’m not sure he understood it. But he carried it with us. But look at your photos, and videos, and anything else you have. They are precious now! And don’t expect to feel any less heartbroken any time soon. I’m still crying constantly.