It was exactly one year ago today that I lost Lola. My biggest mistake. That one regret that will last a lifetime.
I thought about her every day. On the 5th of nearly every month, I would think, “Two months without her.” “Six months of her being gone.” “Nine months.”
I cried often. I’m crying now.
One year now. It seems to have gone fast, how could I have spent a year without her? And then I think to myself, “It’s only been a year?” That whole stretch felt like a decade without her, a dozen years.
I have so long to go.
I still miss her. I always, always will.
If there is any good to write about, it is that now the pain of her passing- that actual horrible day- is further away. This has left room and space for happy memories of her.
“Oh, man. If Lola were here she would chase the shit out of that fly,” we say with a laugh. Or, ”Man, it’s been so quiet without Lola snoring in the corner. Remember how loud she was?”
I was told this day would come, and at the time I couldn’t have believed it. The happy memories were buried too deep under the What if I hadn’t‘s and the I should never have‘s.
But slowly over the past year, the balance has become more even.
I will always have that regret, and I will always feel the pain of her no longer being here, but I am truly, truly happy that we spent those seven years together. I will always be grateful for that.